Love Life

monday

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 13:45:07 +0200

boyfriend read my blog. think he is curious by nature. like me. will be an adjustment. things going better and better. have to focus on myself - work, fitness, health. love is an amazing thing though. wow.

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friday

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 09:05:44 +0200

lost my whole entry. shite. hangover. celebrated signing of contract last night. have to put my ego and or fears aside as i hear him talk about finding his apartment at the same time saying to me it is ours - fair enough, i would not sign as a cotennent this early - it just did not seem appropriate. if course i wonder what will happen. i had written about my housemate situation and how she really can just be an awkward person. i invited him back for a drink after seeing the film the departed (after signing contract on flat) and before we'd even toasted she had come home and took a seat firmly next to us and did not leave the whole time so in the end we got a taxi and while it would have been lovely to have a little chat with her she just does not get the man/woman thing or intimacy well. i thought about talking to her about it but realised it would cause harm and change nothing. the boyfriends tennents are no different i suppose - we got back to his after going dancing and one stayed up dancing and drinking with us. but eventually we went to bed... and had our version of peace. ahhhhh. today is six weeks since our meetings. early days for sure. by the time he gets the flat it will be two months. christmas will be three. i suppose eventually if it all works out we will not feel embarressed by making plans after so little time knowing the other - but it just seems to be working. we have been building up trust and shared history and this is great. something is a bit strange with his female friendships - he tells them i'm in his life - its not that. its just it is as if i don't exist after that. no shared dinners. at first he wanted me to meet his partner and went on and on about it. but then that idea stopped. maybe he is not sure and has questions. we should both take it easier i guess. i just dont ever want another situation like the last one i was in and it can scare me.

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wednesday

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 14:53:22 +0200

last night went to a birthday party for 160 seated at a restaurant in knightsbridge. might have been a fantastic party, i couldn't tell you, i was so tired that it was a little like torture - and when it finally getting good i really had to find a cab to leave. had nice bedtime chat with new man though. helped me sleep. woke up and finally had chat to house mate who wanted to talk about the property we rent together - i said i wanted front door and gates painted, my bathroom, front gates, and floors sanded and sealed. meantime, boyfriend made offer on flat we might live in together. wow. five weeks. very intense. will keep my place even if move in for six months because know it correct thing. not from point of view of 'just in case it doesnt' work' but because we hardly know eachother and have so many things and him too that best to slowly join it together and not have pressure of a million packing cases etc. ok. thats bullshit. i'm scared. of course i am. he is moody. he is lovely. i have a terrible track record of picking. hmmm. time will tell. fingers crossed!

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romantic gestures

Sun, 01 Oct 2006 16:46:36 +0200

staying in a villa with an incredible view...beauty appointments arranged...by him...manicure, pedicure, hair blow dry while watching the sunset in the comfort of our room, and a massage with a lovely woman putting crystals on my body and talking about good health and energy...grabbing my hand while in huge club to take me to a smaller room with different music and dancing with me and loving me...cooking me zuccinni with goat's cheese sauce...cooking for 6 people a three course meal which was too delicious...laughing at me, with me, because of me

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ideas

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 14:19:39 +0200

1. go on intensive driving course in wales
2. take a train to liverpool because some astrologer once told me it was important to me for some reason
3. plan a trip to the lake district with a group of friends to go hiking

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Are you afraid of change?

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 10:50:00 +0200

Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness. People who refuse to take risks live with a more severe sense of dread than if they took the risks necessary to make changes.

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16 basic human drives

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 10:46:32 +0200

1.sex/romance
2.acquisition/saving
3.bonding/connecting
4.learn/curiousity
5.eat
6.defence/flight or fight
7.nest
8.vengence
9.status
10.power
11.loyalty
12.order and organisation
13.independence
14.acceptance
15.altuism
16.physical activity

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Depression

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 10:43:59 +0200

Depression is a defense that can heal if we let it.

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the good, the bad, the ugly

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 12:49:21 +0200

the good:
health, energy, joy, hope, love, kindness, generosity, attraction, cuddles, faith.
the bad:
lies, liars, sickness, sorrow, misery, extra calories.
the ugly:
jealousy, panic attacks, despair, depression

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favorite things

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 12:45:53 +0200

1.lilly of the valley flowers
2.figuer candles from france
3.lavender oil sprinkled on my pillow
4.someone brushing my hair
5.cherry sorbet
6.sourdough toast with butter and honey
7.sunrise
8.sunset
9.the sound of childrens laughter
10.the feeling of laughing
11.presents
12.japanese food
13.long walks/hikes
14.hiking in tucson arizona
15.swimming in the carribean
16.deep tissue massage
17.my family
18.adventures
19.sitting in front of a roaring fire on a cold, rainy day
20.friendship

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thursday2

Thu, 24 Aug 2006 12:27:42 +0200

rang my stepbrother to tellhim i couldn't make it to his party in france this weekend...cant face a crowd...thinking about taking off for india...i know such a cliche...but i need some adventure.

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walter lippman

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 15:31:56 +0200

"above all the other necessities of human nature,above the satisfaction of any other need,above hunger,love,pleasure,fame-even life itself-what a man needs most is the conviction that he is contained within the discipline of an ordered existence."

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monday II

Mon, 14 Aug 2006 15:00:00 +0200

dumped the boyfriend over the phone. he was already dumped. but then he came over and asked me to move in with him. that got my attention. its what i'd wanted for some time. so i entered into a strange limbo land while he went away to do something in the u.s. he needed to do and i kept myself busy thinking about it but not thinking about it.
the boyfriend was sleeping with his exgirlfriend every time we were on 'a break' - which could mean a 72 hour fight. i really had no idea. i had all kinds of other ideas. i was pissed off by all kinds of other things. but i did not think he was fucking her still.
he hasn't been with her since last november. fair enough in november as we had a real breakup for two and a half months. i know all the details because i actually rang her. i hated everything about her while speaking to her - her ugly voice, her pathetic life, her saying i was number one,that he was never unfaithful because it only happened on our breaks - blah blah blah. mind you i did point out to her that my relationship with him was not a job he could punch in and out of - that he used her and lied to me and i thought she was crazy for not seeing the truth in what i was saying.
so i've had all these months since january of a faithful boyfriend. except he was caught in a lie. and then another. and before i knew it i was knee deep in shit i had nothing to do with and in shock. and my summer hols messed up again for the second year in a row. but being that much closer to him, that much more time invested, so many hopes realised which bred more dreams - it is an adjustment. i know he was adjusting too. i'm not making exuses for him i just know he is an indepedent chap and my standards were not that interesting to him initially. now he loves me. this i believe. and i love him too. but he created this mess. so much pain. so unnecessary. i feel so angry. and i feel the sadness of our separation like a physical illness. stupid stupid chap.

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monday

Mon, 07 Aug 2006 13:00:10 +0200

it is spitting with rain outside and it is a bit of relief in that way it is when the outside mirrors what is going in internally

a bit gloomy, a bit cool, relieved not fighting bright sunshine or muggy heat. i worked 16 hours on set yesterday. my boyfriend left for america today. i don't know where my next job is coming from. my housemate is back a day early, earlier than i wanted to see her, too.

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love

Wed, 02 Aug 2006 15:14:58 +0200

when you're loved by someone who loves you completely, you realise that love is actually very simple.

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wisdom

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 10:22:27 +0200

The sensibility in this culture is so hard-edged, so brutal, so ridiculing, and so dismissive. I think the most radical thing you can do now is to be tender. That's really pushing the envelope. Wanting something higher, for the species, is considered - well, you're just stupid. You're an imbecile for that. - comedian Lily Tomlin

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things to do before i die (No. 2)

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 10:18:59 +0200

take a cello lesson or learn spanish guitar

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things to do before i die #1 (no particular order)

Tue, 27 Jun 2006 11:51:47 +0200

jump into the sea naked on an australian beach late in the day

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friday

Fri, 02 Jun 2006 11:45:22 +0200

had mad idea of having my eyebrows 'threaded' - truly painful - but i suppose it has made my face look better

leaving on tuesday for a classic car rally across spain and already stomach in knots - know this is not the spirit to be embarking on such an adventure but by the time its started i will be up for it

tonight going to a dinner party best friend put me up to knowing that there is a single man that has been singled out for me. my argument that i am back with boyfriend fell on deaf ears as she made clear it was not a date so i was not cheating he knew nothing about me so perfectly fine if i wanted to talk to him about my boyfriend that she just had a hunch and that after all i'd been through last year and a half she wasn't taking no for an answer

meanwhile the boyfriend lost his job - had months to sort it out - he's interviewing now- so i bought him a book and took him to supper to celebrate beginnings and endings and that sort of thing. then i picked a fight. i was tired. luckily we still ended up in bed together. wow. felt really bad for being so impossible.

housemate has her first crush in three years...suddenly she is talkative and nice and asking questions. funny that. can't tell whether this one will work out.same old story of enteprenuer who is workaholic, married to older woman, not happy in relationship, ends up holding my friends hand in cannes during the film festival at parties. she doesn't usually do 'holding hands'. in the past i've described her as a rain cloud on legs (actually it was her brother who did!) so the fact she instantly looks five pounds lighter and is positively chirpy is a big deal. she asked me my thoughts on the married status. i told her it was absolutely crap when married people embarked on affairs making an exuse that they were miserable at home, that if he has young children it is unforgivable - but he is the one who made the committment not her. she had to do what she felt was right. she said it could be that they are just good friends (no kissing happened yet) but that she did have feelings for him. she would like more. i've never known her with a man in the ten years i've known her and in the three we've shared a house no sign of one...so i guess this is kind of a big deal.

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Tuesday

Tue, 30 May 2006 12:27:43 +0200

went to devon/somerset border to be part of a house party of six - three men, three woman. i only knew the friend of my brothers who asked me so i felt relieved immediately when i found myself in better than good company. so nice to be free of london for a few days. i took quickly to toast made on the aga, long walks with a borrowed dog in fields of sheep and patches of bluebells and even aquired a taste for moonshine made on the property - really more like calvados.

back last night and the boyfriend came over - he's been to states on business. hands all over me, i kept pushing him off. had to get used to him again. maybe it was that i was still on weekend mode of being mates with everyone and hadn't put down natural defenses. maybe its that...oh no, yes might be this, awful business after all been thru..i'm just not that interested in him anymore. after being with very clever people and having heard really good conversation and ate meals cooked by the boys etc. having a monosyllabic bloke cramming his tongue down my throat just wasnt'that appealing. oh dear.

anyway, i bought myself some time...i had to be up early this morning and told him that i'd stay at his tonight instead of last night.

rose bush by my front door full of pregnant blooms which light up my life at every coming and going - suppose i should cut them and bring a little bit of this paradise indoors.

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secrets

Mon, 22 May 2006 15:59:33 +0200

'Secrets are part of our lives we keep toourselves for reasons of shame or practicality. When we're young, we share them with nobody, bu as we get older and more able to understand them, we start sharing them with others, sometimes to relieve our anxieties, sometimes to celebrate achievments in our own lives...' -Michael Ward

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have you ever

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 15:06:02 +0200

composed letters or texts over and over and not sent them...
its like a compulsion at the moment and i feel really stressed

and i am just kind of stuck

it is beautiful out and i have put a camera in my pocket but so far no need to snap away

no need for much as my stomach just burns

i feel like i am cooking from the inside out

my phone has rung with nice friends but i do not anwer it because no point in sharing this with them. my mother rang to say holland park was so beautiful today and i was bright with her and closed the phone and wanted to collapse.

i can not get enough oxygen in my lungs to release the tightness of my chest

and actually i think its better i close this and go walk and let some sun shine and vitamin d work some magic

i feel so foolish

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From Courage to Change

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 17:06:13 +0100

"Everyone who plays a part in our lives offers something we might learn. Other people can be like our mirrors, reflecting our better and worse qualities. They can help us to work through conflict in the past that were never resolved. They can act like catalysts, activating parts of ourselves that need to rise to the surface so that we can attend to them.
Others can learn from us as well. We are all connected. This is our great strength".

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Chinese Proverb

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 16:31:31 +0200

"That the birds of worry and care fly above your head, this you cannot change. But that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent."

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from the rabbi

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 12:16:58 +0200

Just checked my messages - this came from the rabbi:

"Our recent e-mail exchanges caused many thoughts and feelings and memories to awaken,so please forgive me for burdening you with another letter.
I think that the fact that you were able to discuss the matter of our conversation with your friends while I understandably could not, left me with a
confusing and stormy mix of memories and emotions, and without a safety valve through which to vent them.The thought of never again talking to you left me in absolute panic,and that is why I reached out to you more often than I should have.Even now, as I write, I worry about the limits of propriety
and appropriateness,and I worry about causing you to feel besieged and assaulted.That, along with the tedious nature of my finger-pecking on the keyboard,conspire to keep my notes to you short.

I will never forget you."

------
well - not sure how to get my head around this today -

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check out this blog...

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 13:48:44 +0200

http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/

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ship song - nick cave

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 17:21:12 +0200

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby
Every time you come around

Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around

We talk about it all night long
We define our moral ground
But when I crawl into your arms
Everything comes tumbling down

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby
Every time you come around

Your face has fallen sad now
For you know the time is nigh
When I must remove your wings
And you, you must try to fly

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby
Every time you come around

Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you come around

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Wednesday

Wed, 24 Aug 2005 12:30:51 +0200

No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to unchartered land, or opened a new heaven to the human spirit. - Helen Keller

The rain is back and I woke with dreams tormenting me at 6 and 7 and 8 until finally I got myself out of bed in search of breakfast and some peace.

I found a book I'd made - here are some pages of it.

Here are some pages:

F: fabulous
G: gorgeous
H: happy

flea furry
in the eyebrows of a certain flea linve two
armies of tiny creatures. constantly they make
war on each other to decide which of them
wil rule the universe
- chinese story

I: imagine
J: joy
K: kindness

A feel better better crib sheet:
-spend more time socializing
-stop worrying
-view close relationships as a number one source of happiness

L: laughter
M: mind
N: nice
O: orbit
P: paris
Q: quest
R: romance
S: spirit
T: team
U: unite
V: valentine

the life I have is all i that i have
and the life that i have is yours.
the love that I have of the life that i have
is yours and yours and yours
a sleep i shall have, a rest i shall have,
yet death sahll be but a pause,
for the peace of my years in the long green grass
will be yours and yours and yours

W: wonder

The great part of our happiness or misery depends on our own dispostion and not on our circumstances - courage to change

peace stems from forgiveness.

stop seeking guarantees and simply enjoy today.

Courage
Courage does not always roar.
sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the
day saying: " i will try again tomorrow"

This above all else- to thine self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not be false to any man - Hamlet

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